An update on my life over the past couple of years

 Hi everyone!

I wasn't going to put this out there however, I've been thinking about it and it just made sense for me to let you all know why I left social media and stopped making videos. So here goes...

On 16 February 2022 our middle daughter Shasz, committed suicide, aged 37.

Shasz had been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) however she died before getting the help she so desperately needed. She had a troubled life, wearing her heart on her sleeve and giving people her last dollar or the shirt off her back, which left her open to people who abused and hurt her. She saw the good in everyone, unfortunately so did the vultures. Her last boyfriend - or should I say "fiance" who gave her a $2 engagement ring, broke it off via an email. Who dos that!!!!!!!!!

Shasz loved to cook and tried to get a traineeship as a chef but she suffered with severe dermatitis on her hands and so that flew out the door. We were her customers - she would love to cook for us and we so appreciated her talent! I really wish she was back here cooking and teaching us again. Her food was always the food that went first when they each cooked something to bring into work. She was a complaints resolution person at Telstra.

She never married, never had any children - although she always treated Mandy's kids Justin & Amelia as her own. She left a puppy behind, Bossy who was a rottweiler so wasn't so small. We found him a new home within a few weeks of her passing. We were so thankful. The last Christmas she had she spent with Mandy & her family (Mandy is our youngest daughter). She brought 'Bossy' over but as Mandy didn't allow dogs in her house Shaszie slept outside with Bossy so he wouldn't be alone and sad. That was Shasz! Always thinking of others, not herself.

Shasz lived in a house with two other flatmates who were both users and not very nice people - a male and a female housemate. The female was the first to be abusive - she was an alcoholic who got very aggressive with alcohol. The male took the cake though - abusing all the rules but the one that broke the camel's back was when he deliberately left the front door and gate open so Bossy would run out on the road an get run over. She wanted him to leave but he wouldn't. She tried everything, until one day she just couldn't fight anymore. 

I'd been speaking to her the day she died and I knew something wasn't right with her. I messaged her workmate who was a bit vague but said she would put in a wellness check with the police. After that I knew I just had to get to her so I got in my car and drove the 30 minutes to her place. Her male housemate was standing out the front with Bossy, there were a couple of police vehicles - I didn't worry, I thought they were just there to check on her. So I walked in through the front door and out the back (it was around 8pm by this time). The policemen were standing at the bottom of the steps and I told them who I was and one officer ushered me into the kitchen where I said "so what's happening?", thinking that there was a female officer down the back talking to Shasz. The officer said "well she hung herself".

...

That's how I found out that she had finally succeeded in ending her life. She had had a few attempts prior, never attempting to hang herself though.

The officer was shocked and said "I'm so sorry, I thought you knew".

After I got over the initial shock I rang Squizz (my husband), then Mandy, then Kristy and finally our grandson Cameron (he was an adult).

I waited and waited and waited for hours in my car outside, sometimes walking up and down the street path just trying to clear my head. I remember it was hot, humid and the mosquitoes were savage. The coroner's van pulled up and then drover her away. That's when the police came out and gave me her handbag and car keys.

That was the longest drive home ever!

I'm sobbing right now going through all this again. I thought I'd toughened up a bit - obviously not.

One saving grace was that COVID restrictions hadn't been enforced so we were able to have a full funeral service and wake for her. We are so thankful for that. My sister and her husband flew over and were here in 2 days. All my family could be there for us. All to say goodbye to Shaszie.

Well as if that wasn't bad enough, come June 12, my youngest brother passed away unexpectedly at 52. It was another shock to my system. One of my other brothers and his wife looked after all the details of his funeral, house and everything related as they knew I wasn't in a good frame of mind to take it on. My sister couldn't get over here for this funeral as COVID had really dug its heels in by then.

They say it always comes in threes...

By October we heard that my mother's only brother, my uncle Gerald's wife Jill was diagnosed with a brain aneurysm at the same time my uncle Gerald was diagnosed with leukemia! So Jill was advised to have the operation ASAP so that she could get back and nurse Gerald - good in theory. Jill had a bleed from a nick to the carotid artery - she is now in a nursing home unable to walk without an aid and her mind not all there at times. So, my uncle Gerald has had a history of health issues since coming home from the Vietnam War. He had crohn's disease, cancer, all sorts of issues with his bowels, then came the leukaemia diagnosis. The doctors told him he had two choices, have the test to determine what type of leukemia he had - which would have been life threatening for him anyway at this stage or die without all that pain naturally. He chose not to have the tests and he died on 17 November that year - 2020!!!

I could do one of two things after that year: Live my life as if every day was my last day or dig myself into an endless pit of pity wondering what next was going to happen. I chose the latter. And that's what I've been going through for a couple of years now. I've put on so much weight, not doing anything, no exercise, no going out, not even putting on a false front - I'd given up on life.

Then one day I couldn't take it any more so I rang my eldest daughter Kristy, and asked her if I could come up and live with her. Squizz drove me up there, he went back to NSW to live and work, coming up on weekends. But that took a toll on him so he left his job and came up too. He's now working, I'm starting to take better care of myself and am socialising and trying to motivate myself to exercise while at the same time lose some weight.

We lived with them for a year and then they bought an investment house and allowed us to live in it and look after it. Bless their hearts!

Anyway I'm now crafting in my new craft room and finally allowing myself to have some fun and not feel too guilty about it.

There's probably a lot more I could put in here but you get the gist of it all and it is what it is!

Happy Heavenly Birthday Shaszie

I miss you 💔

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